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Not between the wives and me, though I would be interested to hear their side.

I Seeking Sex Contacts Any married guys looking for some on the side

No, this discussion should happen between wives and husbands, annually, the way we inspect the tire tread on the family car to avoid accidents. A few years ago, while living in London, I dated married men for companionship while I processed the grief of being newly divorced.

When I created a profile on Tinder and OkCupid, saying I was looking for no-strings-attached encounters, plenty of single men messaged me and I got together with several of them. But many married men messaged me too. After being married for 23 years, I wanted sex but not a relationship.

What Makes Married Men Want to Have Affairs? -- New York Magazine

And I was right. We were safe bets for each other.

I was careful about ths men I met. I wanted to make sure they had no interest in leaving their wives or otherwise threatening all they had built together. In a couple of cases, the men I met lookinh married to women who had Getting laid in Overland Park disabled and could no longer be sexual, but the husbands remained devoted to them. All told I communicated with maybe a dozen men during that time in my life, and had sex with fewer than half.

Others I texted or talked with, which sometimes felt nearly as intimate. Before I met each man I would ask: They were looking to have any sex.

Experience: I'm married but sleep with other men | Life and style | The Guardian

Marrier met one man whose wife had implicitly consented to her husband having a lover because she was no longer interested in sex, at all. They both, to some degree, got what they needed without having to give up what they wanted.

But the other husbands I met would have preferred to be having sex with their wives. At 49, I was just about there myself, and terrified of losing my desire for sex.

So we have an imbalance, an elephant-size problem, so burdensome and shameful we can scarcely muster the strength to talk about it. I know I did, which is what led me down this path of illicit encounters.

After all, nearly as many women are initiating affairs as men. Married sex, for them, often feels obligatory. An affair is adventure.

Meanwhile, the husbands I spent time with would have been fine with obligatory sex. The first time I saw my favorite married man pick up his pint of beer, the sleeve of his well-tailored suit pulled back from his wrist to reveal a geometric kaleidoscope of tattoos. He was cleanshaven and well mannered with a little rebel yell underneath. We also talked. I asked him: Can I just have the occasional fling or a casual affair?

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He sighed. If I asked her that kind of question, it would kill her.

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Well, maybe I would rather know. Why break up the family if we could just accept the occasional affair?

He laughed. I never convinced any husband that he could be honest about what he was doing. Maybe I was being too pragmatic about issues that are loaded with guilt, resentment and fear.

I suppose I would hope his needs would involve fishing trips or beers with friends.

But sex is basic. Physical intimacy with other human beings is essential to our health and well-being. So how do we deny such a need to the one we care about most?

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Should we? We slept together maybe four times over a few years.

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More often we talked on the phone. I never felt possessive, just curious and happy to be in his company. After our second night together, though, I could tell this was about more than sex for him; he was desperate for affection.

We all go through phases of wanting it and not wanting mardied. I doubt most women avoid having sex with their husbands because they lack physical desire in general; we are simply more complex sexual animals.

I am not saying the answer is non-monogamy, which can be rife with risks and unintended entanglements.

I believe the answer is honesty and dialogue, no matter how frightening. What if an affair — or, ideally, simply the urge to have one — can be the beginning of a necessary conversation about sex and intimacy?

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They tried to convince me they were being kind by keeping their affairs secret. They seemed to have convinced themselves.

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But deception and lying are ultimately corrosive, not kind. She is working on a memoir.

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Modern Love can be reached at modernlove nytimes. To hear Modern Love: To read past Modern Love columns, click here.

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For more coverage of women and gender issues, subscribe to Gender Lettera new newsletter, thd follow nytgender on Instagram. A version of this article appears in print onon Page ST6 of the New York edition with the headline: Keeping the Boardroom Out of the Bedroom.